


edge of heaven is the edge of hell

by delusiohns



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Bittersweet, F/F, don't inspect this too closely, idk how to tag, not really plot either on that note, this one might hurt, worry not there is no love triangle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 20:07:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3542231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delusiohns/pseuds/delusiohns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emily tries not to think too hard about it, because whenever she does it makes her already fragile heart ache and the freshly sealed cracks threaten to burst again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	edge of heaven is the edge of hell

Emily tries not to think too hard about it, because whenever she does it makes her already fragile heart ache and the freshly sealed cracks threaten to burst again. So she tries playing it cool, admittedly, Emily hasn't exactly mastered the skill of "playing it cool", but she fakes it pretty damn well. Well, good enough so the other girls don't have a clue that she's spiraling, not like she's the only one but she's the only one who can't look in Toby in the eyes anymore. And the chaos in everyone's life helps conceal fact that Emily's brows seem to never cease furrowing in anxiety, or twitching with guilt, or that there seems to be a persistent despair in her eyes, which is all probably deduced to the fact that she's worried about college or A's antics or she misses Paige. It wouldn't be wrong to think that either, she _is_ constantly worried and she _does_ miss Paige, but her mind has a way of always finding it's back to Spencer which is a problem in itself. It’s a problem when she’s filling out at a college interview and the only place she can see herself in the next ten years is wrapped up in her sheets, wrapped up in _Spencer_ , like she was the night before; all she can think about is the scratches on her back and the teeth marks on her shoulder, and Spencer’s screaming out her name until all she could manage are low, throaty moans and whines of frustration. Emily _knows_ that there’s nowhere she would rather be, but she straightens her back and gives a smile and spits out some fabricated, generic answer and does her best to block out the throbbing of her core. It’s a problem because she feels herself getting attached, attached to someone who could never be hers. Attached to a friend, who leaves bruises and bites behind in the excitement of the night only to leave in the morning. That's Emily's problem, it always is, and she always gets _too_  attached. But she knows that it isn’t smart to get romantically involved with your friends or colleagues. All it does is ruin friendships and lives; she thought she learned her lesson after Allison and of course all the shitty, romantic movies that Hanna had them watch after her and Caleb broke up. 

And it keeps her up at night, the indecisiveness of what she should do about her problem. Her brain attempts to find a solution, only to shift like the tide when she comes close to an answer. She’s not brainy like Spencer and she’s not rash like Hanna, either of them could probably come up with an answer but Emily doesn’t know how to be sure of herself in the way she should be. She can be stubborn when she wants to be, and she has resilient principles to guide her, but with it’s not that simple with Spencer. The word 'simple' just does not correspond with Spencer Hastings.

Emily isn't spineless, although that doesn’t mean when Spencer’s around she doesn’t go weak. All she wants to do is sleep.

 

She's offbeat, she misses a step and then another and another. She should probably just turn off the blaring Shakira song and go home because dancing without passion? That's no way to dance, and that's not Emily. But a thought enters her mind telling her that she doesn't know who she is anymore, and she doesn't go home. She goes for the turn instead, she gets some lift, and Emily Fields does not stick the landing. She doesn't get up, it kind of feels nice to be on the floor maybe a little stiff but nice, she always seems to be falling, the rug always seems to be pulled from beneath her, but she learns after the initial fear and the pain subside, it's not too bad.

And that's where Talia finds her, leaned up against the mirror with her eyes closed and legs sprawled out in front of her. She doesn’t know how long she’s been lying there, the sun is setting though and Shakira has been long forgotten about. (She didn't want to face the mirror, thinking that would be a little too Black Swan for her liking. Spencer once did a report on sleep deprivation and it apparently can make a person go insane or something like that. Emily didn’t _completely_ understand the movie but she knows that it has something to do with insanity and mirrors and she’s taking no chances whatsoever.)

"Long day?" Talia's voice rings out, she gives Emily a small, non-pressuring smile and Emily's sort of grateful that Talia doesn't expect much from her. It's probably one of her favorite things about her. It's easy between them, even with most of its awkwardness, Emily can handle it. She can keep up with Talia.

"More like long year," Emily sighs but she chuckles along when Talia does and finds that it’s only a little bit forced.

"Long life?” Talia adds, she offers Emily her hand which Emily graciously accepts and pulls her up, a glowing smile on her face.

"Long life." Emily finds she can't help the smile on her face, hoping it resembles at least some of Talia's beauty. Her smile turns bashful when Talia eyes seem to be examining her as she gathers her belongings, there's a look that Emily can't quite decipher. Maybe if she had an easier time concentrating, or some more caffeine in her system, "What?"

"It's just when you were against the mirror that was the most content I've seen you in a while. You looked relaxed, y’know? At peace."

There's a sincerity in her voice that causes an ache in Emily's chest, she almost asks her what she looks like any other time. Almost. Instead, she bites her tongue and tries to give a grin but it wobbles when she tries to lift it past her lips and the most she could manage is a small smile that shakes with artificiality. She's really glad that Talia doesn't expect much from her.

 

Emily’s afraid that she doesn’t have much more left to give. Not when there are broken shards of Maya in her lungs that she never quite got to cleaning up, piercing through with every breath she takes. Not when Allison is still burning through her veins, and she’s still restlessly anticipating the exact moment the poison will finally sink in. Not when Paige is interwoven in the tissue of her heart, beating in sync in the tune of broken promises and forgotten dreams. And even Talia, who runs through her mind and silently haunts her with everything they could have, _should_ have, been. Emily’s even more afraid of the damage Spencer will do when she’s through with her. Heartbreak is inevitable at this point, for Emily as far as she's concerned, it's just a matter of time. And maybe who delivers the fatal blow. She wants it so badly to be her, Spencer might be okay with, she thinks. Spencer might be a little hurt, a little disappointed but Emily is so far gone, she can't take another goodbye, not after  _MayaAllisonPaigeTalia_. But Emily, she has hope and she's holding onto it with everything in her so she doesn't completely submerge into thick, red pain already leaking in her heart. ( _Hope breeds eternal misery, is that how it goes Spence?)_.

 

She's tracing over the soft, damp skin, coated with a thin layer of sweat, covering Spencer's ribs with her fingertips. Spencer's still breathing hard, her chest rising quickly then falling down hard making Emily's head bop up then back down again with each movement. Emily can feel her heartbeat, and she can feel her own too, she wonders if they're in sync. She would like that, for their hearts to be beating at the same time, same rhythm. She wants to ask Spencer's if her heart hurts with each beat too.

Spencer takes a deep breath, "I broke up with Toby today," her voice is quiet, a little hoarser than usual and drenched with sleepiness. 

Emily turns her head to look up at Spencer, her eyebrows furrowed, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, Em," Spencer flutters her eyes open and gives her a lazy, toothless smile, causing something in Emily to stir in her stomach. She adverts her eyes as a flush of color finds its way on her face and a small smile timidly follows along with it, "I'm okay."

Emily closes her eyes and relaxes a bit more into Spencer. She represses a yawn as she thinks about how glad she is that Spencer doesn't have to go anywhere too soon. Spencer told her mother that she would be going to begin taking piano lessons to improve her skills, and her mother is just glad that she's found a new hobby and investing her time into something positive. She can't help but find it funny that she's become Spencer's new "hobby". She's seen Spencer drop hobbies as soon as she realizes she isn't instantly good at it or that it doesn't challenge or stimulate her enough. She's really hoping that she could be something Spencer's good at. 

**Author's Note:**

> i started writing this about a month ago and forgot to finish it. at some point it kind of got a mind of its own and went into its own direction. not too sure how i feel about it, i felt it was time to finish it up but i really didn't know how to end it. title from lyrics of 'suck' by yuck.


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